Monday, October 5, 2015

Nobody's Looking

I sneak over here sometimes when nobody's looking to express my thoughts in peace. I know I'm safe because this blog has hardly any traffic, and I really love the people who do visit.

Where to begin? I'm still down, in month TWO, with this stupid concussion recovery. Improvement is happening, by degrees, but just when I realize something is better I get slammed down by something that's not.

For instance: The week before last I had a couple of good, almost pain free days. I started getting excited. Maybe I could start rejoining the living world again. Just to test my recovery level I tried to go a day without pain meds. It took me over three days to recover, and I only lasted till noon without them. The week that followed that one was the sharpest reality check I've experienced to date--full of pain, forgetfulness, and horrible bouts of dizziness. I've had a few real scares of falling, and I'm telling you nothing scares me more right now than hitting my head again.

So last week was awful. But toward the end I started feeling a little better. Sunday night we got a surprise visit from some friends who happened to be in the neighborhood. I was feeling pretty good, but the more the conversation progressed (my kids were there and there was a lot of talking over one another in an animated fashion) the harder it was for me to bear. By the time they left my head was pounding and I went to bed almost immediately. (**super important--I so very, very much appreciated their stopping by I don't want you to think I'm upset that they did. Even with what it cost me in the long run)

If I can't handle a conversation of 6 people in the room together, what happens if I try to go back to work?

I know I'm not there yet. The idea of driving still terrifies me. I can't focus on more than one or two things at a time and that's just not safe behavior for a driver. And I stress out easier, too, than I used to. Than I normally would.

I can't even tell you how disheartening it is to be two months into this recovery and still have so much more to go. I have guilt for not working, for making my family pitch in and do my part, for missing out on incredible and fun community events. And, ya know, let's not forget how much weight I've put on and how awful that makes me feel.

So, yes. In a nutshell, I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of not having control over my pain, my balance, or how much longer I'm going to put all of you through this crap. I'm more than aggravated by the tremors in my hands. You'd think, if I couldn't go back to work yet, I'd be able to make better use of my time by writing. But no. My hands tremor so badly some days I can't even do a blog post. (currently taking advantage of a less tremor-y moment so I can get this out, but my forearms are aching with the effort to keep my fingers in line)

I want my life back. I'm fighting a veritable bear of depression right now, and I don't know when it's going to get better. I am trying to keep upbeat, but the longer my symptoms persist the harder that becomes.

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