Thursday, October 29, 2015

Making Your Happy

I know I've said this before, but I'm not sure where I've said it. I hate this house. When we chose to move back to OK I told Bryan I will live anywhere but the Broadway house. It's been in the family forever, I know all of its problems and issues, and I don't want any part of it.

I didn't get my way. When I got a house for my birthday in 2011 I got the Broadway house. With it's bad plumbing, bad roof, and too few rooms. But I chose to be grateful and make the best of it for the time being because it was so much better than the 3 bedroom apartment/duplex we rented in UT. The rental options in Duncan were too few, and I liked the idea of being closer to Bryan's mom in  the nursing home so the kids could visit her regularly. I figured I could make it work until we could get into something better.

If you've followed our journey out here at all, you know that we've had some incredible financial speed bumps. Just as we start to get our sea legs we're either hit with a major expense or job loss. The idea Bryan had always held onto that his Class A CDL driver's license always meant he could get work fell apart. We've had stretches of unemployment and under employment. Periods where I had to work out of the house, at times to the detriment of the family, and then my personal health crisis, which is now in its 90th day. I pray you never know how awful it is to be faced with bills and expenses and be physically unable to do one. Single. Thing. about them.

Over time, we've revisited the idea of staying in or moving from this house. In the mean time several things have happened--the mice invasion of 2014, the roof fail of 2015, buying the lot next door and taking down the drug shed. Most of the kids choosing to go to school in Duncan. The cars. Ugh. Not all of them have been bad, you see. And, right now, we are owners of this house paid in full.

But it's still awful. It's going to take at least $20k to get it in proper order, so that the bedrooms don't rain and the bathroom floor doesn't cave in. And that's nothing to do with the cosmetics of the house, my coffin-sized master bathroom or the face that 90% of the property's fencing won't hold anything in or out. I've joked to my friends the best thing we can do is to bulldoze the property and start over.

Of course, that's not in the cards. Yesterday Bryan again revisited staying in this house. Now that we own it outright, we can get a loan and do the much needed repairs. Yes, that would mean a mortgage, but the other option is to piece together the money to do the repairs over time. Sure, in 2 years we'd have the roof fixed and the bathroom floor redone--but the repairs can't wait two years. It's an ox in the mire situation, and has to be fixed asap. So that means a mortgage. That means staying in this house until we've paid it off. If we're careful that could be ten years, but more likely 15.

When faced with the idea that we were staying in this house because we had no other option, I felt myself shatter. Our lives are in Duncan--jobs, school, church, doctor, dentist, etc. Our cars are not up to endless commuting back and forth. They're both about to die, and we haven't been able to do needed repairs on them all year. The most pressing part of the repairs this house needed I didn't even know about in the summer. I had no idea it had gotten that bad.

So I was faced with an impossible situation--the realization that I was stuck for an indeterminable period of time in a house I despise. Without the option to move, I was left with only two choices. I could either immerse myself in bitterness and regret for the things I can't have, or CHOOSE to make the best of a bad situation. I'm not going to lie. Tears were shed. And I recognize it's a process. But I am choosing my happy. I begged Bryan to be patient with  me as I process and come to terms with this change. It's not easy, but I refuse to live my life in bitterness and regret.

And, if I can truly make the most of it, then maybe I can finally make this house my own.

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