I Give Up

I say this to myself several times a day.

I give up.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm done.

Fighting constant pain/discomfort/fatigue is one of the hardest struggles I've gone through. Add my never-ending battle with depression/malaise, and you've pretty much got my life.

For months, I've refused to let myself utter the words of capitulation. I refused to surrender. I won't be a quitter. Won't give in. Won't give up. Won't stop trying.

Until I did.

But, every time I said, "I give up" I've kept going. Saying isn't always doing. I know the process--thoughts proceed words, words proceed actions--but let's remember that as a teen I used to say "I'm going to kill him/her" to express frustration. To date, I've never killed anyone. Granted that's an extreme example, but there you are.

I'm not giving up the grand total sum of everything. On the contrary. I'm giving myself permission to give up the moment. Concede the minute, the hour, even the day. I lost this round, I'm going to take a pain pill and rest. Or the equivalent.

Bryan and I had rather a fun set-to yesterday. It was the first time in a while we'd been home alone together, and it was good overall. Emotional, but good. Turns out I've been so good about not complaining (because I'm sick TO DEATH of talking about my condition) that he had no idea how abused I feel by the system we're dealing with right now. As an example:

My doctor, back in Jan/Feb, wanted me to see another neurologist for a second opinion on my condition. Neither of us was satisfied by the first neurologist, who basically prescribed a bunch of mood altering medications for my pain and then released me into the care of my PCP. The first neurologist they found didn't take the workman's comp (we get that a lot), the second one ended up being a nephrologist, who is a Dr who specializes in kidneys. Not remotely the same thing. So my Dr's office told me to find a neurologist who will take the insurance and then call them and they will send over the referral. Frustrated with the whole thing (because I really, really am), I was dragging my feet a bit. I'm tired of being prodded at. I'm tired of feeling like I have to justify my pain and prove I'm not faking. I can't imagine why anyone would think I would want to live my life like this.

Last week, I went back to my Dr for my regular follow up/status visit. We were ambushed again by the home care nurse who has been contracted by the workman's comp insurance people to sit in on some of my Dr visits. I never know when she's going to be there, can't prep for it at all. Just without warning, boom. I'm sure she's a nice person, but it feels very invasive to me. And she does nothing to keep the conversation on track. At my visit, which took place directly after my son's visit for his acne (so she was in the exam room during his visit too, which I felt was inappropriate) she, the Dr, and Bryan talked about acne, high school, classic cars, and pretty much everything but why we were there in the first place. My head was pounding by the time we left, and I was furious. This is supposed to be a Dr visit, not a social call. I very much want and need (for the sake of my pain levels) everyone to stay on topic and get through the appt as quickly as possible.

Anyway, it was this nurse who told me that I had an appointment with a neurologist in OKC for April 5th. She said "they" had scheduled the appointment for me, and wrote down the Dr's name, address, and the time of the appt. It took me a few days to recover, but eventually I got to wondering who she meant by "they." She didn't mean my Dr's office. Last I heard the ball was in my court to find a neurologist.

Yesterday I called the neurologist in OKC and asked them about my appointment. It's a good thing I did, because I was given the wrong time for the appt and we would have been late (after driving for 2 hrs to get there). Turns out the workman's comp insurance adjuster had found this Dr and made the appointment for me. Why she never told me is a mystery. We do have an open line of communication and have spoken before. She has both my email and my phone number. I can't help but feel like this is a "let's catch her faking the system" sort of set up.

But, like I told Bryan, I'm tired of proving to people how miserable I am. If we didn't need the $400/mo I'm getting in payment compensation for not being able to work I'd tell them all exactly what I think of them and where they can stick their nosiness. Which is sad, and makes me feel even worse about myself and my current situation.

So, yes. Some days I give myself permission to give up. If I didn't, I'd go completely mad.