Sunday, June 4, 2017

Today

Today was an amazing day. My boys got ordained elders. They received the Melchezedic priesthood. They can give blessings. It's so awesome. Our stake president, Pres Gladwell, also came to us and said their mission calls have been assigned and asked if we'd gotten them yet. I mean, he said they might come tomorrow since they hadn't come yet. Also, since it was stake conference, we got to listen to wonderful talks given by a presiding authority, our stake president, the temple president, and his wife.

Amazing, spiritual day.

It was also horrible. And I'm so tired of making this comparison.

Our stake building is over an hour away from our house. You would not believe this road. We hit Lawton (and, mind you, part of this is the suspension in our truck), and it's like a badly done roller coaster. We're literally thrown around the vehicle if we don't brace ourselves. Which I do, of course, because duh. But by the time we get there I'm carsick and my head is killing me. I hate this stupid headache. Then sitting through a 2 hr meeting of loud organ playing, speaking, and singing is a test of endurance. But I'm just tired of missing out on everything. On life. You know? I'm tired of spectating, or, even worse, getting the run-down on events after the fact. These are my kids' most important life events. I'm their mother. It kills me how much I've missed already. So I go. I put up with the crappy car ride, the noise, lights, etc that physically hurt me. I do that not for the pats on the back or sympathy or my daughter asking me a half dozen times if I'm okay. I do it because I don't want my kids looking back on the most important memories of their childhood and wondering where their mom was. And yes, in small part because I don't want to regret.

But what's also hard is sitting there and being reminded that you don't go to the temple often enough. That you don't fulfill those most wondrous covenants, those precious blessings that you have access to. Like everyone else I could come up with excuses why I don't. But to be honest I only have one--the car ride to OKC kills me. It doesn't seem to matter which car I'm in, by the time I get up there you practically have to spoon me off the floorboards. To do that, go through a session, and then drive home, makes me feel like a coward. I don't feel like I can do it. I want to. Can't tell you how much I want to. Feels like such a waste to have a current recommend I don't use. I was griping to my husband recently about how long my recovery has gone on and how isolated I feel. It's miserable. And while I can see small improvements days like today make me feel like I'm never going to get better.

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