Confession

It's nice to think I can show up here once a month and post and not feel like I'm ignoring this blog. Now for the real reason you're here:

My whole life (to a point) I worked toward one goal--I wanted to be invisible. I mean it. The less attention people paid to me, the happier I was. In fact, when I initially toyed with the idea of being a writer I thought it would be ideal. I could hole up in a quiet room, or in a cabin somewhere, and write and publish and nobody ever needed to see me.

Things changed a little when I got married and had a family. I mean, no mother is invisible to her children unless it's time to do chores. And I have to confess even without the publishing thing I'm a celebrity in my own home. Even the dog and cat seek out my attention (whether I want them to or not). But, still, I'd rather be out of the public eye.

You will fill stadiums... ~That's a tidbit from one of the blessings I'd received when rededicating my life to writing books with God in mind. To my credit, I didn't hyperventilate. I figured if that's what God had in store, I would deal with it when it came.

But I have to admit I sort of focused on it. Obsessed about it a little. The idea of being the focal point of thousands of people made me crazy. It's not that I can't do it. I've conquered my fear of public speaking. It's just that I don't want to do it. I'd much rather work behind the scenes. Way, way behind the scenes. (To that end I once considered letting my husband be the "author" while I wrote the books in secret. The only thing that stopped me there was that it didn't feel truly honest.)

Then, during one of my other blessings, the same phrase repeated itself. You will fill stadiums. But with a side note of: but don't worry about that right now. And it's true. I was letting that little statement turn the focus from what I needed to be doing--writing.

My writing and publishing goal for this year is pretty aggressive. It doesn't leave me any time to do book signings or author visits or anything like that. The problem is I may enjoy that a little too much. In 2014, I will still publish but I will need to make time to do the signings and author visits and all that jazz.

Because it doesn't matter how much I write if no one knows it's there to read. How can I fulfill my role in God's plan if no one is reading what I write? Because He's made it clear that I'm supposed to affect others' lives through my writing. It's not just for me and my family to benefit from.

It occurred to me about 6 months ago that my filling stadiums and writing may not be connected. I mean, who goes to a "stadium" to hear a writer? My obedience and willingness may lead to rising to a position of prominence in the leadership of my church. Scary. Sure, I've got a lot of growing to do to get to that point.

This long winded post is all intended to demonstrate on thing: My crippling fear of success. Failure is easy. Failure means I stay right where I am. But success? Success takes me places. Scary places. Places where people know my name, recognize me around town, come to see me when I have a public appearance. And other various things that I don't prefer.

So why haven't I gotten over my fear of success yet? I believe that, with God, all things are possible. If that's what He has in store for me then I will do it (and hope to enjoy it when the time comes). But I keep finding myself sputtering at the gate. I worry that I won't finish another book, even though I've published three. I worry that I won't be able to hold the reader's interest. I worry....fill in the blank. And it slows me down.

Then I get my gumption on and realize I hate to be afraid of anything and dive in and do it.

But right now I'm feeling more sputter-y than gumption-y.

Ideas? Suggestions? Help?