This blog really needs a more upbeat post, don't you think? How about this?
This week I went back to the doctor because I've been experiencing some strange sensations in my leg--specifically the back of my knee and the back of my thigh. And I won't deny I was nervous. We've spent since the week before Christmas trying to get my blood thinness back into what they consider 'therapeutic range' and, while I've flirted with the range off and on I don't think I've been in it for more than a few days in all those months. So I was worried about clots.
Then, to top it all off, on Feb 17--my 21st wedding anniversary, no less--I slipped and fell in the shower. While I'm certain I didn't hit my head going down and only banged up my legs a little (my shower is very narrow and small so there's a limited way you can fall, really), it still jarred my brain pretty well and my headaches have been worse. At this point in my brain injury saga, though, that's more of an irritant than anything else.
But--you're here for good news. I got a scan done of my leg. Doctor and I agreed it's best to be safe rather than sorry, and if I was forming clots again we wanted to know before they became so ginormous as to be surgery worthy. Scan came back clear. Both scans, actually. Apparently I have very small veins and am a tough scan, particularly after the surgery. So two different technicians scanned my leg. But I'm clear! Hooray!
Bryan and I have been walking in the evenings, which has been great both for my health and my emotional well being. And I've been writing again. I have a goal now to write 12 stories this year. It's been a slow process as I figure out myself and my pace and all that fun stuff, but I'm doing it. I have no idea what will get published, or when, but I'm writing. These things I'm doing for me, for my emotional and physical health.
I'm still sewing aprons as well, and taking on more responsibilities at home. Things still tire me out fairly quickly, like grocery shopping last night, but I'm working on rebuilding my stamina. I'm tired of feeling weak, and of being weak.
As far as my concussion recovery goes, there's still a great deal of frustration there. Falling was bad, of course. Even the slightest jarring on an already bruised brain causes additional pain. It's been more than 18 months now, and that's a super hard number to reconcile. Bryan has taken on a second job and I can't even begin to tell you how that makes me feel. Recently I shared on Facebook how we used to go to movies together and as a family. Last night talking to the kids I found myself getting worked up because I can't get excited about new releases anymore because I can't go see them. I have to wait an additional 8 months or whatever until they get released to DVD and BlueRay. I won't deny there's bitterness there. Anger. All born out of frustration that I'm not healing as quickly as I'd like to be.
Recently I tried driving again. It was horrible. The anxiety was so bad, and it was only a half mile drive through our tiny town from the track to my house. Bryan was right next to me the whole time. I felt like such a baby. And it made me so mad. I wanted to just scream at the injustice of it all. I know that, if I had to, I could drive myself to the hospital or to the drug store for medicine (it doesn't come up because I don't have access to a car during the day). But if I had to drive my kids to school 30 miles away on the highway? Or to church? I'd never make it. This is me facing one of the things that I hate the most--feeling helpless. And having to reconcile it in my life.
I don't take anything for my anxiety anymore. I did in the beginning, and sometimes I miss it. But overall I avoid the things that cause anxiety (like driving, but that's also because of the other things required of driving like attention to detail and paying attention to several things at once which I still cannot do) rather than take more pills. I take enough, thanks. For the most part I can convince myself my anxiety isn't that bad.
This was supposed to be a positive post, and I've tangented. Sorry about that. Overall, I am improving. I'm looking forward to a much happier and more productive year than last year. I want to forget a large part of 2016, except for what I've learned. And the fact that I may never wear jeans again. That's kind of sad. But, such is life!
